Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Where I stand today...

So... right now I am at home because I had my wisdom teeth pulled out. I am in great pain, but that is what I get for having eight wisdom teeth. Had to take them out in two visits. sigh... anyways, many things have happened in the last couple of months (awwww I can hear the little birds chirping outside my window, definitely spring time ^^).

The first reason I wanted to write in my blog was because until recently I had been counting the months of me not talking to him. This month I completely forgot to write about him when the four month mark (March 12) came along. I remembered about it two days later and I saw this as a good thing. I told Watashi-kun this was a good sign. It means I am thinking less and less about him. Now, I don't know what to feel when I think about him. I just feel this void, and I hope someday whatever feelings I have left for him will fade away completely. Our love and feelings were doomed from the very beginning. Watashi-kun told me the Wolf does not feel the same about me anymore, so if he doesn't, why should I?

Watashi-kun has helped me so much in this process. He made me see things in a different light. Many others have helped me as well (Zei-chan, Gabo, Meches), but Watashi has taken the time and has had the patience to listen to every single detail that I do not tell the others. He has been through so much and his support has helped me stand up a little straighter. I will be eternally grateful for this. He found me in a terrible state, and I feel like I am moving slowly away from that state. I woke up like at 2 am this morning due to pain and due to the fact that I was having a dream about the Wolf, although I wake up so distressed and disturbed I know find myself calling the dreams about him nightmares. And this is how I know my feelings have changed...

Do you know what it feels like to want to go to sleep and never wake up? I have felt that way several times in the last couple of months. It is because I feel so tired. Between my lame and horrible job, going to school full time, the lack of money, I feel like I am going to go crazy, and then I feel it is just better to go to sleep because I am using my energy reserve. But my boyfriend Ryan has convinced me that going to sleep is not the best thing to do (and I don't wanna look super lame like Sleeping Beauty), and he said many people would miss me if I decided to sleep and never wake up, so... here I am. Ryan has put up with so much of my stupid nonsense lately, I do not know where he gets his patience and how he has not left me. He is so awesome. I love him even more for being the way he is.

I am almost done with school and it would be very stupid to not finish it. I have three months left. My sisters and I are going to the Korean Music Festival next month and we are quite excited (K-Pop FTW!). Then I am looking forward to my summer activities. I finish school in June! I get to see Florence + the Machine this summer, and then I have Anime Expo! My graduation ceremony is in September! Some more reasons to not feel asleep. I am also looking forward to studying Japanese in the fall. ^^

hehehehe I find it so funny how I am listening to J-Pop while I write this. I usually am listening to depressing songs when I write in my blog, but I am getting kinda tired of being depressed all the time. Being depressed can suck a lot of energy out of you. sigh. I just wanna be the funny and silly girl I used to be, when people had no control over my feelings, but this is something I have to work on, and start setting my boundaries. My therapist says I am making progress... no more letting the past haunt me. Some things will never be the same. The past cannot be recreated for me, even if that is one of the things I want the most. It can never be the same, because I am not the same person. I know I have changed. I can feel it (I even have 8 teeth less!).

I have learned that I need to do something productive with my life. I have all this energy (and tiger blood!). I have friends and family who love me. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see that they can put their trust in me and that I will not let them down. I know I will disappoint everybody if I try to go to sleep and not wake up. Every new day I feel hope and I pray to God to help me get through it. It is hard because some days I feel like it is just too much for me to bear, but then I sit down and think there are so many things I want to see, so many books I want to read, so many movies I want to watch, so many songs I want to sing and dance to, so many things I want to write and share... I want to live, not sleep... I want to share my energy with the world and spread my wings to fly as high as I can. I see all the people in Japan fighting for their lives and even though they have been through so much, they still have the will power to go on. Admirable. If they can go on in the middle of such chaos, what is making me stop in my tracks? I have learned a couple of things the last few days thanks to the Japanese nation. They are all in my prayers and I have a whole new level of respect for them.

Now, here is one of my favorite songs, written by Yuki Kajiura, and sung by the girls of Fiction Junction. The lyrics are so empowering and I hope everybody gets the chills I get when I listen to it. ^^

Open your heart
To eternal dimension

Open your heart
For love and affection

Open your heart
Your every emotion

Open your heart
For tears and rejection

Come to the grace
Of heaven's eternal fantasy
Come to the grace
Of earthly devoted harmony

Yuki Kajiura

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