Sometimes having all this stuff in my head can be pretty overwhelming. Thank God for virtual journals. It works as an external hard drive for my head. I hope you enjoy my randomness.
So, I came home as fast as I could. I came running home from the gym, and... OK, that's a lie, erase that, I did not come home running... I came home semi-walking and semi-limping because I worked my butt off at the gym today and I am exhausted. Anyways, I had a revelation today at the most random place ever: the gym. After a hiatus of TWO months of not going to the gym... I know... shame on me... well, I cannot really say shame on me, because I was sunk deep in one of the worst facets of depression I have ever had in my life, so I cannot say it is shame... so... um, sorry, I digress...
Anyhow, after two months of not working out, and feeling disgustingly fat (I gained FIVE pounds in these two months of sedentary and depressive state = gross), and being so stressed I literally pull my hair out of my scalp, I decided enough was enough. I came home as early as I could, put on Ke$ha's new song "We R Who We R", and pumped myself with some energy to go to the gym (and motivating myself for the walking to the gym, even though it is cold as hell outside... oh wait, hell isn't cold... I mean cold as the North Pole?).
So, once I was at the gym and working that treadmill as if my life depended on it, I discovered and came to realize three things: (1) I need a new pair of workout shoes (I know, random); (2) I love my boyfriend (Ryan Moreno) very much (he has been there for me all this freaking time when I was in such a pathetic state I cannot even feel sorry for myself); and (3) Enough is enough. And literally, you guys, each freaking step I took on that treadmill, I began to feel lighter and lighter. Amazing! Heck, on my walk back home I felt three pounds lighter (I know... only three... lame), but it felt so darn good!
And while I was working my booty off on that treadmill until I got red as a tomato, no, wait, a tomato was pink in comparison with how red my face was (I get really red and sweaty when I work out... ^^), I realized I need to get my S%#@* together (pardon my French). You see, after you are depressed for a such a long time, your life gets kind of boring and terribly sad, and my friends can testify for me, I am not a boring or sad gal per se, so I realized I had to find myself again. And I think I did! It was like my old self came and slapped me in the face real hard. It was awesome!
Sigh, anyways, I remembered that I am a dream fighter, and that I have NEVER let anything bring me down. I am healing little by little, slowly but surely. I feel way better now. And, well, I want to thank some people who were there for me these last months when I felt like I was in some sort of limbo... First, I want to thank God for never leaving me, and while He shows me lessons the hard way, He is faithful and does help you in the end., He just wanted me to REALLY see what was going on. Second I want to thank my mama and my sisters who are there for me always. I also want to thank my awesome and amazing boyfriend! Ry, baby, I do not know what I would do without you. You are my hero!
And then, I want to thank some very special, old and new friends, for their moral support: Joshua Davis, my onii-san, the big brother I always wished for. Your presence in my life means so much to me! You are very dear to me, my friend. I thank you for all your moral support. I will always be here for you too! Mercedes Asencio, you rock woman! Thx for hearing me out and for being such an awesome friend! El Señor de las Flores te bendiga y te guarde! Zei-chan, I love you so darn much! Sos una gran persona y te tengo un cariño inmenso, mujer! Y amo a tu nena! Gabo, sos lo maximo! Gracias por tu apoyo incondicional! Keitaro - creeme, tu apoyo es invaluable. You always make me smile! Zerg - un nuevo amiguito que Dios me mando. Gracias por escuchar mis penas sin conocerme mucho y gracias por tus consejos (que son muy buenos por cierto)! And there are many other people who have been there for me from time to time. Thanks to all of you. I love you very much!
And now, to remind us all who we are, I leave you with "Dream Fighter" from one of my fav bands: Perfume!
Everyone says that general solutions are the best And you can say that it's somehow practical But you can't gain perfection that way So general solutions won't satisfy me
Until now I thought that it's okay with me But right now it's a far, distance past
Searching for the best is an endless journey But this is the proof of our existence Even if you'll have to deal with hardships Don't you ever give up
Hey, everyone mentions the future and you can say that it's somehow practical not darkness, but light will come shining in However, being normal won't satisfy me
Searching for the best is an endless journey But this is the proof of our existence We also continue running and all our overflowing teardrops are treasures too Even if the cruel reality will hit us and we feel depressed We'll still be able to keep on moving, You are a Dream Fighter
Sometimes I want to paint my face and pretend that I am someone else. Sometimes I get so fed up. I don't even want to look at myself. Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night and then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life. But people have problems that are worse than mine. I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time. I'm just not strong enough to deal with it. I am slowly falling apart. You might think it's easy being me. It might be, but it surely does not feel like it. People tell me to chill and they also say: "You just stand still and look pretty..." Sounds simple, but it is an awful hard thing to do for me right now...
I love this song, and the lyrics are so surreal. I wonder if we will end up in an Electro World someday. This song is sung by one of my favorite J-Pop groups called Perfume! I love them! Stay tuned for more awesome songs and videos! Let me know what you think!!!
I kept running along this road, going forward, advancing forward, even more forward I can't find the town that should be drawn on the map looking back, the scenery I was able to see there had vanished in this world, I am last at the last of the last
Electro World the ground shook and broke down the sun in the sky falls to my hand lightly I have realized the truth about the structure of this world I'll leave you a letter
Electro World in the town where even a cat on a street flies even your presence has no reality
Electro World everything I can see, everything I can touch, too has no reality but surely I exist
It's all coming to an end, finally. I had been overwhelmed by all these feelings for such a long time that I had to bend them back into the state that they were. And no one could understand so I had to figure it out on my own. But one thing's for sure: this is the most I've ever had to take. I have finally obtained the closure that I needed. I have no regrets what so ever. Nothing more and nothing less - however... I need this closure to be real. I swallow every emotion that I feel. I just have to forgive, have to forget. It's all coming to an end and I finally get my life back. I never thought that I would get my second chance. I’m running so far from all I’ve ever known, convinced that it has lost all meaning. Still I knew that there is something more... Why should I measure the world by someone else’s design? I just found the real me... Sometimes people tell me: "Be like me to fit in". I know MY identity is not in them... I won’t let anybody tell me who I am. It’s OK to let go, I am that shooting star. I’m gonna remember all the things I have wished for and believe it will be true. I will never find myself anywhere else, because I will find myself inside of me...