Sunday, March 20, 2011

That's what you get...

I was on my way to run errands yesterday, riding the bus, listening to my IPod as usual, when Paramore's 'That's What You Get' song started playing... I have always identified myself with this song, but I feel even more strongly about this song now, even more than I used to. So here are the lyrics of the song and how I feel related to the song.

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore. It's your turn to take a seat. We're settling the final score. And I relate to this so much, because in the end, it seems as if everything that happened, it happened because of me. It was all my fault, right Wolf? I was the one that hurt him, and lied to him. The sad part was that it was never my intention to hurt him, and I never lied to him, but he made me feel as if I did. And I think I ended up more hurt than he did. In the end the Wolf said that I had to leave him alone (when I had not talked to him for like 3 months), making it seem as if it had always been me, the crazy one, the needy one, the one that called him and pushed him, and he was just a victim. How dare him come along and paint himself as the self-righteous one? He needed me and wanted me as much as I did. Now, whatever little respect I had for him is gone. Now I just feel anger and bitterness when I think about him. It's your turn to take a seat, Wolf, and to stop putting me down. I am settling the final score. 0 - 0. We are both losers.

And why do we like to hurt so much? Because it is not like somebody comes along and puts a gun to your head saying: "Suffer!". We choose to suffer. We like to hurt, because it gives meaning to
our lives . Hurting makes you feel alive, but I have learned the hard way that there are other ways to feel alive. Hurting is a rather sad and stupid way to try to feel alive.

I can't decide. You have made it harder just to go on. And why, all the possibilities. Well, I was wrong. I was saying this like 2 months ago. I was thinking about all the 'what if's', the endless possibilities, the various lives I could have led with the Wolf by my side, but I realized I am content with the life I am leading now. Then I realized it was not worth my time to think about the endless possibilities. It was just hurting me. The Wolf was really making it harder for me to go on, to walk, to think straight. And the memories kept haunting me on a daily basis. Everything was wrong. It had to stop. So, I stopped it.

I wonder... how am I supposed to feel when you're not here? Cuz I've burned every bridge I ever built when you were here. I also said this a couple of months ago. I thought I was not going to be able to live each day without having the Wolf here. But, I was able to go on. It was hard, but not impossible. I did burn every bridge I built that led me to him. I deleted him from every possible virtual communication channel I have. Every comment, every picture, every video, everything was deleted. I was even considering to cease communication with the people I know are his friends and that we both know, but I did not. That would have been stupid. I love those people, and I was not going to let the Wolf come between that as well. I had let him come between everything else...

I still try holding on to silly things. I never learn. Oh why, all the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard. I really do. Sometimes, I listen to a song that reminds me of him, and I sometimes sigh and think about the "what ifs'. I never learn. I wish I could erase all the memories, because my heart still responds to them all. And the Wolf knows this. Even if he does not the feel the same way, I know he knows. He mocks me. And then, I remember how much it hurt, and I say 'whatever'. Why should I freaking care? I am an idiot. I never learn.

Hey, make your way to me, to me. And I'll always be just so inviting. If I ever start to think straight, this heart will start a riot in me. Hahahahaha, and I bet you a thousand dollars, that if the Wolf came to me today, I would still open up my arms to him. Embrace him. Hug him like there is no tomorrow. I will always be so inviting. It is my nature. I will love him until the day I die. But, before I do anything crazy, I will start to think about the consequences, and my heart will commence a battle with my mind. My heart will say 'Yes', but my mind will say 'No'. And after everything I have been through, I think I am going to start listening to my mind more. My heart can make as many riots as it wants, it is not going to make me go down that path of darkness and sadness again. Never again. No more nocturnal hunts for me. No more blood shed. No more.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating. Now I can't trust myself with anything but this. So I have learned the hard way what happens when you give into your heart's riots. I have learned and suffered what happens when you let your heart win. You end up thrown on the ground, and the worst part is that you feel as is if you keep on falling down, down a never ending hole. I drowned myself with my heartbeats, and I cannot trust myself when it comes to thinking about the Wolf. That is why I am shutting him down. I am cutting him out. It hurts like hell and I am losing a lot of blood, but he has to come out. That piece of my heart that he occupied will be empty for a while, until I find something that can fill it up. But no more, because at this point he only makes me sad. His memory makes me die little by little because we cannot be together, and I don't wanna die. Not just yet.

And that's what you get when you let your heart win...

But Wolf, as the moon wanes, so wanes your love;

I am an eagle, no longer your dove.

Another face, more fair than mine,

Will surely win your love in time.

Paramore - 'That's What You Get'

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