Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc was named Jeanette by her parents, but she was called Jeanne by the French, which was Latinicized into Johanna, and Anglicized into Joan. Um, hello? Major name change here, huh? Anyways, even if peeps say Joan of Arc was loopy or whatever, I love her. She was so brave and strong. Plus her original name ~Jeanette ~ is a combo of my two names together: Jen + Annette! Jeanette. Awesomeness. 

"Courage! Do not fall back; in a little the place will be yours!"

"Fear not, however many they may be! Neither weigh difficulties. God guides our work."

"Go bravely" all will be well. Have no fear. We shall find none who can harm us."

Joan to a priest while being wet with Holy Water due to the fact that the priest thought Joan was a witch. ~ "And I said to him, 'Come on bravely. I shall not fly away'".

Joan of Arc ~ In her own words ~

Joan always exhorted people to be brave. I wish I were like her. Maybe someday I will be able to tell people to be brave. For now, I have my own fears to deal with and I want to attain the level of bravery Joan had, even if people indeed think I am insane, so be it. 

Safe and Sound

Death ~ just reading the word shakes me up so bad. It is actually one of my biggest phobias. This phobia or fear is called thanatophobia. It is quite a natural phenomenon. None of us know really knows what will happen to us after we die. Thanatophobia definitely has roots in fears of the unknown. It is part of the human condition to want to know and understand the world around us. What happens after death, however, cannot be proven while we are still alive. People who are highly intelligent and inquisitive are often at greater risk for this type of thanatophobia, as are those who are questioning their own philosophical or religious beliefs. My thanatophobia is constantly at the back of my mind. My fear is worst at night, when I am alone in the dark and not distracted by day-to-day events. It makes sense that I would suffer from this since I have anxiety issues. But I digress… 

The whole reason why I starting thinking about death is because exactly one month ago, a very dear uncle to me left this world. He died after having a very tormented life. I guess he is resting now.  He was so young though – only 39 years old. He sunk more and more into despair because no one ever listened to him or did not listen to him enough. I certainly did not listen to him enough. I should have listened more. My uncle was an alcoholic and he died with his liver destroyed. Addictions, such as alcoholism and/or drugs are a temporary escape, but certainly not the solution. Unfortunately, my uncle knew no other way. That is why when you see someone in need, please stop and listen. I wish I could have been able to spend more time with my uncle. I feel a hole in my stomach. It’s too late. Two deaths in my family have left me sad and have left me with a hole not only in my stomach but in my heart as well. My great-grandmother, who literally was an angel on Earth. She died circa 2006 and now my uncle. Now with my uncle’s death, I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I could have and should have help. He had such a good heart. We needed, still need, and will always need people like my uncle. He was never violent and never reproached anything to anybody. Why do the good ones always have to go away before us? Is it to teach us a lesson? How come the good ones are so fragile?

When I found out my uncle had died, I played this song and thought about him. I hope he is safe and sound now, resting in peace.

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...
Just close your eyes
~ Taylor Swift

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

No More Drama

I was watching "The Voice" yesterday (yes I watch "The Voice") and I this song was part of the battle. I feel in love with it. I realized that there are always amazing songs out there that I can relate to. I heard this and I suddenly felt tears run down my face. I have been through so much in my life and this is something that has been weighing on me a lot lately. I feel for myself because I am standing up against my past and I know I have become stronger. Even so, our past can still create drama for us if we let it. That is why I can relate to this song ~ I don't want to have more drama in my life.

So tired, tired of this drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain, no more pain
No drama, no more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain, no more pain
No more game, no more game messin' with my mind
No drama, no more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears, no more tears. I'm tired of cryin' everynight
No more fears, no more fears. I really don't wanna cry
No drama, no more drama in my life

I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good when you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game, free from all the stress
So find your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain, no more pain
No more game, tired of your playin' games with my mind
No drama, no more drama in my life 
No more, no more, no more, no more
No more tears, no more tears, no more cryin' every night
No more fears, no more waking be up in the morning
No drama, mo more in my life
So tired, tired of this drama
No more drama

Distant ~ ハルカ [Haruka] ~

Don't you all love j-pop/j-rock songs? You can always find a song that will evoke strong emotions. At least, that seems to be my case. I always find a song that seems to have extracted the emotion/feeling out of my freaking heart! In this case, I found out one of my experiences was extracted out of my heart and then it was given to a cute band of girls with awesome voices to sing. I am talking about the j-poprock band SCANDAL. Gah! I love all their songs but Haruka in particular struck a cord in me even before I figured out what the lyrics meant in English. It's such a sad sad sad song. You can get that feeling just by listening to it. So, again, I was not surprised when I saw the lyrics in English and I was like AH! - that makes sense! This song reminds me of so many things I have gone through especially of all the times I have given my heart to a boy and all of a sudden life happened. Sigh ~ my heart all tinkered and tainted by me, myself. I am slowly putting it back together and cleaning it up but it is long process. Only time can heal they say. Slowly but surely my heart will shine again.

Well, I leave with you Haruka ~ I hope you like it as much as I do.

Someday it'll come true; love is by your side
Promises aren't needed, even though we're far apart

I can't say it right; the words I'm saying aren't reliable
Even though it should make me feel better getting it off my heart

Songs that I've just memorized are as awkward as those I give
Instead of goodbye, I said, "See you later"

Memories played out in the clear skies
I hid my tears; I don't want to forget your kind lie

I won't spill any tears
It's not the end; it's the beginning

Because even if I share my sorrow, I can't move forward
Why is kindness something I always realize afterwards?
The days I spent with you are shining
So I can walk on

Whatever day it is, the sense of reality increases
There's a thrill missing in being chased by large clocks

The goal I've aimed for isn't like something that can be seen, but
The scar I received from falling down is me myself

Dreams are always fleeting things that threaten to disappear with a blow of the wind
So that I won't lose, so that it won't be erased, I want to treasure it
Tears don't suit you; whatever happens, smile
Be the you that I know, even though we're far apart

The platform at dawn; it's becoming a little painful
I can't forget the warmth of your hand I had let go that day

I won't spill any tears
It's not the end; it's the beginning
I don't need promises, because I'll always think of you
Someday it'll come true; love is by your side
Surely we can meet again, even though we're far apart

In the changing time, stay the way you are