It has been more than six months now. I think today is the last day I will write about the Wolf. And now that I think about it, many things started after I stopped talking to him. I started writing this blog, I started having panic attacks, I started going to therapy, I started to focus more on school, I started to realize that I need to be more realistic (more than I was before O.o), and I came out of this trance-like state I was in. Sigh. I started to focus on the now. On my new life, and started cutting the ties of whatever held me back. I think my trip to Guatemala helped me realize that things will never be the same again.
The Jennifer that I used to be and that I protected so fiercely is no more. She has disappeared. Sure, my essence is still the same, but I have changed a lot. It was not easy for her to beat it. She was stubborn and she thought she was happy. But she wasn't. I wasn't happy. I needed to start focusing on what would make me happy now. And the Wolf helped me realize that. Yep, the Wolf. Because I was making him unhappy I realized I had to say goodbye to the old me. The one he loved. I am so different now. That is why I will be forever grateful with him. And that is why I let him go. And I still mourn him, but I am no longer sad or anxious when I think about him. I just feel this numbness inside. Confirmation that whatever happened is now dead, the ashes of the fire were taken away by the wind, and whatever was is no longer alive.
Do I wish I could have done things differently? Oh, yes. But there is nothing I can do about the past, right? It is what it is, and I have no regrets. You cannot live with regrets. They kill you. I am far from perfect and I never will be. I can only do so much. We all can do only so much. But I look towards my future with hope. I still daydream. I still go to therapy and I am hoping that will help me. I will finish my BA soon. I have a new job. I will see Florence again in like three weeks. My grandma is coming to visit us. Anime Expo is around the corner. I have an awesome mom and two awesome sisters. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a cool dad. There are many things I need to be grateful for. I am not perfect, but like Pink would say, maybe I kinda am in my own way. :)
Anybody that can identify him or herself with this song, raise your hand!
Pink - Perfect
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than f*cking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing ; you're f*cking perfect to me