Perseverance...

My awesome President could not have said it any better. He really inspires me. He speaks the truth. Reality. After reading this, I feel invincible, like I can do anything, because I feel like what I have gone through is not all for nothing. I have a different perspective. I feel hope. I feel strong. I feel wise. No regrets. Empowered. Awesome. Ready to take on the world with my loved ones by my side.

Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it’s not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won’t. it’s whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.

- Barack Obama

Don't Save Me

Becca - Don't Save Me

Perfect?

It has been more than six months now. I think today is the last day I will write about the Wolf. And now that I think about it, many things started after I stopped talking to him. I started writing this blog, I started having panic attacks, I started going to therapy, I started to focus more on school, I started to realize that I need to be more realistic (more than I was before O.o), and I came out of this trance-like state I was in. Sigh. I started to focus on the now. On my new life, and started cutting the ties of whatever held me back. I think my trip to Guatemala helped me realize that things will never be the same again.

The Jennifer that I used to be and that I protected so fiercely is no more. She has disappeared. Sure, my essence is still the same, but I have changed a lot. It was not easy for her to beat it. She was stubborn and she thought she was happy. But she wasn't. I wasn't happy. I needed to start focusing on what would make me happy now. And the Wolf helped me realize that. Yep, the Wolf. Because I was making him unhappy I realized I had to say goodbye to the old me. The one he loved. I am so different now. That is why I will be forever grateful with him. And that is why I let him go. And I still mourn him, but I am no longer sad or anxious when I think about him. I just feel this numbness inside. Confirmation that whatever happened is now dead, the ashes of the fire were taken away by the wind, and whatever was is no longer alive.

Do I wish I could have done things differently? Oh, yes. But there is nothing I can do about the past, right? It is what it is, and I have no regrets. You cannot live with regrets. They kill you. I am far from perfect and I never will be. I can only do so much. We all can do only so much. But I look towards my future with hope. I still daydream. I still go to therapy and I am hoping that will help me. I will finish my BA soon. I have a new job. I will see Florence again in like three weeks. My grandma is coming to visit us. Anime Expo is around the corner. I have an awesome mom and two awesome sisters. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a cool dad. There are many things I need to be grateful for. I am not perfect, but like Pink would say, maybe I kinda am in my own way. :)

Anybody that can identify him or herself with this song, raise your hand!

Pink - Perfect

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than f*cking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing ; you're f*cking perfect to me

Longing...

Yes, I long to write in my blog, especially because I have so much to write about!

My fingers itch to write... but I have been so busy... soon... I shall have time to sit down and indulge in the pleasure of writing.

Daydreamers...

I love this song. Every time I listen to it I feel like breaking down and sobbing my heart out. I once dedicated this song to a lonely wolf. I hope he still daydreams, after I broke his heart. Time will bring the sun for the wolf. Time will bring the sun for all of us.... I hope you all like this song as much as I do. It is so beautiful. Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think. :)

Stephanie Dosen - Daydreamers

We are standing in the rain again only in our minds
Filling up the time we lost before we said goodbye

We are daydreamers
We are invincible
And we're mad from all the longing
We feel
You'll find us in the garden just imagining it's real
Growing in silence and watered by tears
Flowers like fingers are holding us here

The half moon has a tale to tell of what she has become
What was new was torn in two, but time will bring the sun

We are daydreamers
We are invincible
And we're mad from all the longing
We feel
You'll find us in the garden just imagining it's real
Growing in silence and watered by tears
Flowers like fingers are holding us here

Desolation...

Why does he do this to me? I am sick. I mean, I am on the verge of a mental breakdown here. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until wings spread out of my back and I can fly away. I feel semi-dead. I haven't been able to eat anything in days, and I still have to put up with all this bullshit. I hate how us women always have to be so willing and open to anything, but they (men) cannot be. I am so fucking tired of all this bullshit. I am tired of trying to smile and to pretend everything is OK when everything is not OK. I am just tired. And then people wonder why I want to sleep and never wake up. I am tired of school and trying to get perfect grades and never getting less than an A; of my lame ass job; trying to be the perfect girlfriend; tired of being sick; tired of trying to help people understand what is going inside of me. I am tired. I look at the bottle of pills and I feel so tempted. No wonder I stick myself in Paranormal and Sci-Fi Young Adult books. I prefer living my day to day as a teenager in a fantasy world where there are endless possibilities than in the real world where I feel like I am always going to find a metal wall slam into my face. I am tired. Doesn't anybody understand? That maybe in a way this disease that has taken over me for the last couple of days is just a sign that maybe I should just die? I have been sick for five days in a row now on top of the hell I have been through the last two months due to my oral surgery. I thought this year was going to be better, so I tried to be optimistic and I made plans and wrote them all in my calendar and planner. What a fucking joke. I am a joke. Trying to keep my cool, when I really am broken inside. I have picked up the pieces so many times and I think they cannot stay together anymore. I am missing little pieces in between. Just when I feel like everything is going to be OK and better, another thing comes and hits me harder, and yeah, I have been able to get up and start again, but this time I really don't think I can. I am tired. Right now, my stomach, my head, me back, everything hurts. People want and want but are not really willing to give back, are they? I am so done. I am sad, hurt, tired, sick, broken and I don't feel like I am ever going to get better. I feel like I have fallen from grace.

Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home

Everytime I hear this song, I feel like someone is singing it about me.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...

Wouldn't change a thing...

I was listening to this song on my IPod (I love how the Shuffle makes random songs pop up and then I start thinking!) the other day going to work, and I realized it describes my relationship with my boyfriend, Ryan, very well. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Our anniversary is in June. It's been a while, and even today it is hard for us to understand and figure each other out. And we have fought a lot and have drove each other to brief glimpses of all kinds of crazy, but at the end of the day I love snuggling with him and I always turn to him to see if he is looking at me. A Wolf tried to come between us, but I did not let him, because I just love Ryan so much. I have this desire deep inside to take care of Ryan. I feel like I was placed in his life for a reason, and he has also opened my eyes to other ways of thinking and living... and I feel that he was placed in my life for a reason too. sigh, and when I think about all this, I realize that I am still here, that I still love him, and just like the song says, I wouldn't change a thing.

Me: It's like he doesn't hear a word I say. His mind is somewhere far away and I don't know how to get there. I do feel like Ryan sometimes does not pay attention to me when I talk to him, so I always ask him afterwards to repeat what I said. I know, very sad.
It's like all he wants is to chill out. I feel like he doesn't take things seriously.
(What Ryan would say about me: She's way too serious.)

Me: He makes me wanna pull all my hair out. He really does, and well, I really do pull my hair out. I have this weird disorder called Trichotillomania. But more about that later.
(What Ryan would say: She's always in a rush, and interrupting like she doesn't even care)

Me: And it's like he doesn't even care. But at the end of the day I know he cares. :)

Ryan: She's always trying to save the day. I really am. I am a workaholic. I am always trying to find something to do in my free time.

Ryan: Just wanna let my music play. She's all or nothing, but my feelings never change. I really am all or nothing, I am a Scorpio after all. :D
Ryan: I try to read her mind.
(What I say to Ryan: Why do you try to read my mind? It's not good to psychoanalyze.)
Ryan: She tries to pick a fight to get attention, that's what all of my friends say.

Me to Ryan: You, me. We're face to face, but we don't see eye to eye. And I am guessing he thinks the same thing.

Ryan: When I'm yes, she's no.

Me: When I hold on, he just lets go.
I think this abut Ryan and me: We're perfectly imperfect, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Me to Ryan and vice versa: We are like fire (Jen) and rain (Ryan). You can drive me insane. But I can't stay mad at you for anything. We're Venus and Mars. We're like different stars. But you're the harmony to every song I sing, and I wouldn't change a thing

I hope this makes sense guys. I just think this song is perfect for Ry and me, because sometimes he makes me so angry and frustrated, but I cannot stay mad at him. He is too cute. I love him with all my heart. Hopefully, we will be celebrating our third anniversary. Wow, 3 years... amazing. Do I still want him to be the father of my children. Absolutely. No doubt. I simply love him.