Desolation...

Why does he do this to me? I am sick. I mean, I am on the verge of a mental breakdown here. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until wings spread out of my back and I can fly away. I feel semi-dead. I haven't been able to eat anything in days, and I still have to put up with all this bullshit. I hate how us women always have to be so willing and open to anything, but they (men) cannot be. I am so fucking tired of all this bullshit. I am tired of trying to smile and to pretend everything is OK when everything is not OK. I am just tired. And then people wonder why I want to sleep and never wake up. I am tired of school and trying to get perfect grades and never getting less than an A; of my lame ass job; trying to be the perfect girlfriend; tired of being sick; tired of trying to help people understand what is going inside of me. I am tired. I look at the bottle of pills and I feel so tempted. No wonder I stick myself in Paranormal and Sci-Fi Young Adult books. I prefer living my day to day as a teenager in a fantasy world where there are endless possibilities than in the real world where I feel like I am always going to find a metal wall slam into my face. I am tired. Doesn't anybody understand? That maybe in a way this disease that has taken over me for the last couple of days is just a sign that maybe I should just die? I have been sick for five days in a row now on top of the hell I have been through the last two months due to my oral surgery. I thought this year was going to be better, so I tried to be optimistic and I made plans and wrote them all in my calendar and planner. What a fucking joke. I am a joke. Trying to keep my cool, when I really am broken inside. I have picked up the pieces so many times and I think they cannot stay together anymore. I am missing little pieces in between. Just when I feel like everything is going to be OK and better, another thing comes and hits me harder, and yeah, I have been able to get up and start again, but this time I really don't think I can. I am tired. Right now, my stomach, my head, me back, everything hurts. People want and want but are not really willing to give back, are they? I am so done. I am sad, hurt, tired, sick, broken and I don't feel like I am ever going to get better. I feel like I have fallen from grace.

Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home

Everytime I hear this song, I feel like someone is singing it about me.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...