Naive Ol' Jen... Naive Orleans

Oy, Wolf. You love stirring me up, don't you? You know, funny how this song (Naive Orleans from Anberlin) kinda represents what I feel right now... I find it funny because I am going to see Anberlin live tomorrow, and maybe it is even a little ironic at the same time... because, well, you have no idea, do you? Of what I have been through? I went through Hell. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU? Of what you make me feel? Of how much it can really hurt? Did you ever wake up crying in the middle of the night? Did you ever have that restless insomnia? I hope not, because I did and it sucked. You mock me because I ended up in therapy... how dare you... I needed to fix my head. My head that you messed up with so well because you knew me so well, and you used that to your advantage. You knew me so well and you knew what buttons to push. I am different now. I am hurting and bleeding all over again thanks to you. You couldn't just let it be. Dormant. That is how it needs to stay. Dormant. Buried. Deep down. Forever. Some things are just meant to be left alone, Wolf. Everytime you come around you lift up all the dust and I start sneezing without control. I can't do it again. We cannot do it again. Too much pain.

Come and go now as you please. You always do, anyways, Wolf.
Your actions write the melodies. They always do.
To those songs that we sing. My tune always changes when you are around.
And you just sing. And I sing as well. Are we even singing the same song?

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around. It has too. I need to live day by day even though you are not here. I feel like I have survived the chaos. Don't take away my sanity again, please.

Is this the way you want it?
Is this the way it has to be?
Sitting here beside you
When my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever. I think about my dreams more.
Hearts now severed. Our hearts are way beyond being beat up, Wolf. Wanna beat up my heart some more?
Difference of forever. Summary of what we are.
And I am lost there. That is how I feel... lost...

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that all

Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud, yea

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To those songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around
And I finally found that all

Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud

What you want.

Music is such a beautiful release for me. It soothes me. It gives me strength. It gives me a perfect escape. Solace. I love it when my favorite bands makes songs that can express my feelings. Awesome lyrics, awesome beats. These songs make me so happy, because I can be sure that someone out there feels the same way I do. And I am sure many other people other there can relate to the lyrics because they feel the same way. The beauty of music: it brings us together. I love this song. I was alone in my room jumping, singing, going around in circles while I was listening to it. It made me feel lighter. Free. I hope you can relate to the song as well. The parts that really jumped out to me are in bold. :)

Do what you, what you want

If you have a dream for better

Do what you, what you want

'til you don’t want it anymore (remember who you really are)

Do what you, what you want

Your world’s closing in on you now (it isn’t over)

Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)

Every heart in my hands

Like a pale reflection

Hello, hello, remember me?

I’m everything you can’t control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe

We can break through

Do what you, what you want

You don’t have to lay your life down (it isn’t over)

Do what you, what you want

‘til you find what you’re looking for (got to remember who you really are)

But every hour slipping by

Screams that I have failed you

Hello, hello, remember me?

I’m everything you can’t control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe

There’s still time

Close your eyes

Only love will guide you home

Tear down the world and free your soul

‘Til we crash

We’re forever spiraling

Down, down, down, down

Hello, hello

It’s only me infecting everything you love

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe

Hello, hello, remember me?

I’m everything you can’t control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to learn forgiveness

Hello, hello, remember me?

I’m everything you can’t control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe

We can break through

Remember who you really are

Do what you, what you want!

Walking on a Dream

We are always running for the thrill of it.
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it.
On and on and on we are calling out and out again.
Never looking down; I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.

Is it real now?
When two people become one?
I can feel it; when two people become one.

Thought I’d never see the love you found in me.
Now it’s changing all the time.
Living in a rhythm where the minutes work overtime.

Catch me! I’m falling down!

Don’t stop; just keep going on.
I’m your shoulder; lean upon.
So come on deliver from inside.
All we got is tonight; that is right - till first light.

I haven't dwelled upon my ghosts for a while... and yet... I can't help but wonder what the Wolf might think if he heard this song. I wonder if he would like it.

Walking on a dream...

How can I explain talking to myself
Will I see again?

Today...

This is how I feel today.

Run away. Stay. Longing to feel whole. Struggling for a long time. No result. Not knowing what more can be done. Empty. Miracles. Silly to think things could change. Love. Need. So powerful. Frustration. Longing to know what more can be done. Lack of action. No more action. It hurts. Rest. Sleep. So tired. Longing to sleep. So far away. Come back. Encounter. No productive result. Sadness. Separate. Far apart. Lack of understanding. In need of more. In need of background. Context could be helpful. Mind. Illusions. Dreams. Far far away. Longing to be closer. The Sun. Warmth. Sight. Insight. Go deeper. Find what is hidden underneath. So much to cut through. It cuts both ways. Ripping apart from the inside out. Tearing sound. Her heart. Oblivion. Falling in deeper. No end. Spiraling. Unpleasant surroundings. Good feelings deep inside. Confrontation. Crash. Bullshit. Heavy. Weak. Not floating. Walking round in circles. Trying to shrug it off. Kick it far away. Pain. Fear. Sick. Yes, afraid. Express feelings. No more. Lack of trust. Longing to understand what went wrong. Self-critical. Unrealistic. Lack of communication. Longing to talk. Desire to hear and to be heard. Escape. Need to run away. Start from scratch. Need to be clean. Sadness. No more.

Moment for Life...

This song is so uplifting. Really. Just look at the lyrics. The last couple of years have been very rough for me, but I think I am finally finding peace and tranquility thanks to the little things in life. Watching TV (especially watching shows that make me laugh and squeal), singing, dancing, reading, writing, making new friends, among other things have helped me find myself again. Just being myself. I can relate so much to this song. It makes me wanna dream some more and appreciate even more all those things that have made me happy. I hope you guys can relate to it too. :)

I fly with the stars in the skies,

I am no longer trying to survive. I used to be the kind of girl that was too down to EARTH, and I was afraid of flying. I used to live each day in survival mode, but I no longer want to live that way.

I believe that life is a prize,

But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive. Life is too precious to waste away. Like the Chinese proverb says: Enjoy your life, it's later than you think.

Don’t worry about me and who I fire. I am a very emotional and intense girl, and sometimes when I am caught up in my daily life situations I tend to hurt the people around me because I do not know how to deal with my emotions.

I get what I desire, it’s my empire. I have so many dreams and desires that I will fight for.

And yes I call the shots, I am the umpire. Oh yeah!

I sprinkle holy water upon a vampire, vampire. In my world, all the traitors and the hypocrites.

And this very moment I’m king.

This very moment I slay Goliath with a sling.

This very moment I bring,

Put it on everything that I will retire with the ring,

And I will retire with the crown, Yes!

No, I’m not lucky. I’m blessed, Yes!

Clap for the heavyweight champ, Me!

But I couldn’t do it all alone, We!

Young Money raised me, grew up out in Paisley.

Southside Jamaica, Queens and it’s crazy. I grew up In Guatemala, people! Represent the hood!

Cuz I’m still hood, Hollywood couldn’t change me. I live in Los Angeles, and I feel I haven't changed that much just because I have been living in the United States. :D

Shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t faze me!

'Aint being cocky, we just vindicated, best believe that when we're done.

This moment will be syndicated, I don’t know this night just reminds me of everything that they deprived me of.

Put ya drinks up, it’s a celebration every time we link up.

We done did everything they can think of

Greatness is what we wanna brink up.

I can’t believe we really made it I’m partly surprised, I swear.

Damn, this one for the books, man!

I swear this shit is as fun as it looks, man!

I’m really trying to make it more than what it is, cuz everybody dies but not everybody lives!

This is my moment, I waited all my life I can tell its time.

Drifting away, I’m one with the sunsets, I have become alive.

I wish that I could have this moment for life, for life, for life

Cuz in this moment I just feel so alive, alive, alive...

Sing me life...

This song was written by Gaby Moreno: a very talented Guatemalan singer-songwriter. Her song describes how I feel most days. I attached the song for you to listen to it. It is amazing! Enjoy! :)

Sing the ups
Sing the downs
And the silent people shaking the grounds
Sing the faith
Sing the truth
Burning fire in the belly of youth
Sing the progress
And some missteps
While we're making our way
Somedays it's so hard to escape the dark cloud
Hovering over our heads

Sing the bright day
From a long night
And a tunnel giving way to the light
Sing the good deeds
And the fowl plays
And crosses carried we all pay
Face the problem in our system
We can fight this disease
(I know) Somedays it's so hard to escape the dark cloud
Hovering over our heads

But I'm not gonna let them bend my view
I'm not gonna let them paint me blue
Not this time, not any time,
I'm gonna sing me life
That's what I'm gonna do
(And you should too)

Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing

- Gaby Moreno

Monster

I don't know if I have told you all, but Paramore is one of my favorite bands. What I love the most about Paramore is that they always have a song that speaks about what I am living through. Their newest single speaks a lot about what I am going through right now in my life. I always try to explain how the lyrics apply to my life and how I feel.

Please feel free to comment and enjoy the video. :)

Paramore - Monster

You were my conscience, so solid, now you're like water.Yep, I had relationships with a people that thought they were my freaking conscious. I might sound a bit resentful, but these people hurt me so much. They thought they had me in their hands, but they no longer have that control or power over me. They are like water just passing through.
And we started drowning, not like we'd sink any farther. And yes, I went through some troubled times after they had no control over me, but you always float back to surface, right?
But I let my heart go, it's somewhere down the bottom. I hit rock bottom, but I was able to swim back up. My heart was so heavy due to their influence that I felt it was at the bottom.
But I'll get a new one and come back for the hope that you've stolen. I came back. My heart might not be new, but it is regenerating itself thanks to the love and support of people who really care about me and listen to MY dreams.

I'm only human, I've got a skeleton in me. At the end of the day, we are only human, we make mistakes, we are not perfect. We are ALLOWED to make mistakes, right? Even if it hurts. That is what life is all about.
but I'm not the villain, despite what you're always preaching. They all preach I have given my back to God. That my life is twisted. That I am a sinner. I know that's not true. I am just me. Trying to survive. And I make mistakes, but this mistakes only harm myself. So why do they judge me? I am not hurting anybody else. Why don't they leave me alone? I have tried to be a good person. I wish they would stop preaching and let me live my life.
Call me a traitor, I'm just collecting your victims. So many people are getting fed up of being pointed at and they are looking for support. I will come along and try to give them support. (through counseling). All together we will be able to open the minds and hearts of the close-minded people. Make them see that there is another way to live than instilling fear in others.
And they're getting stronger. People are really getting fed of being pointed at. Their weakness becomes their strength.
I hear them calling.

Well, you find your strength in solutions. Some people think they are strong because they know the answer to everything. But that is not always applicable to everybody...
But I liked the tension. Some people, like myself, find strength in the adversity because it is like we are hit by a light once we actually find a way out of our problems. It is more enlightening when you are struggling and you find the way, as to when you always "have control" Sometimes this control is just a facade.
And not always knowing the answers. I have learned to feel okay with not knowing all the answers. I am not going to kill myself for not knowing. The unknown now makes me excited and curious, and no longer afraid. Whatever needs to pass, shall pass. Everything happens for a reason, and I embrace my unknown future with a curious expectancy.
But you're gonna lose it, you're gonna lose it. The people that judge me are going to regret ever pointing their fingers at me. I will laugh in their faces.

I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world
From turning into a monster, eating us alive. Others and I will stop the world from judging, and even if we cannot completely stop them, we will find a way that whatever they say will not affect us, but will affect them. We will make them sorry for being "monsters" towards us. They will regret talking behind our backs. They will regret judging us. They will regret saying we were this and that. We will show them who is better.
Don't you ever wonder how we survive? Their ridiculous charades have made us stronger. Their ridiculous ways have made us find ways to overcome all the bad things that attack us.
Now that your gone, the world is ours. Now that we no longer pay attention to them and we kick them out of our minds and hearts, they have no power over us. The world is ours.