Desolation...

Why does he do this to me? I am sick. I mean, I am on the verge of a mental breakdown here. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until wings spread out of my back and I can fly away. I feel semi-dead. I haven't been able to eat anything in days, and I still have to put up with all this bullshit. I hate how us women always have to be so willing and open to anything, but they (men) cannot be. I am so fucking tired of all this bullshit. I am tired of trying to smile and to pretend everything is OK when everything is not OK. I am just tired. And then people wonder why I want to sleep and never wake up. I am tired of school and trying to get perfect grades and never getting less than an A; of my lame ass job; trying to be the perfect girlfriend; tired of being sick; tired of trying to help people understand what is going inside of me. I am tired. I look at the bottle of pills and I feel so tempted. No wonder I stick myself in Paranormal and Sci-Fi Young Adult books. I prefer living my day to day as a teenager in a fantasy world where there are endless possibilities than in the real world where I feel like I am always going to find a metal wall slam into my face. I am tired. Doesn't anybody understand? That maybe in a way this disease that has taken over me for the last couple of days is just a sign that maybe I should just die? I have been sick for five days in a row now on top of the hell I have been through the last two months due to my oral surgery. I thought this year was going to be better, so I tried to be optimistic and I made plans and wrote them all in my calendar and planner. What a fucking joke. I am a joke. Trying to keep my cool, when I really am broken inside. I have picked up the pieces so many times and I think they cannot stay together anymore. I am missing little pieces in between. Just when I feel like everything is going to be OK and better, another thing comes and hits me harder, and yeah, I have been able to get up and start again, but this time I really don't think I can. I am tired. Right now, my stomach, my head, me back, everything hurts. People want and want but are not really willing to give back, are they? I am so done. I am sad, hurt, tired, sick, broken and I don't feel like I am ever going to get better. I feel like I have fallen from grace.

Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home

Everytime I hear this song, I feel like someone is singing it about me.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...

Wouldn't change a thing...

I was listening to this song on my IPod (I love how the Shuffle makes random songs pop up and then I start thinking!) the other day going to work, and I realized it describes my relationship with my boyfriend, Ryan, very well. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Our anniversary is in June. It's been a while, and even today it is hard for us to understand and figure each other out. And we have fought a lot and have drove each other to brief glimpses of all kinds of crazy, but at the end of the day I love snuggling with him and I always turn to him to see if he is looking at me. A Wolf tried to come between us, but I did not let him, because I just love Ryan so much. I have this desire deep inside to take care of Ryan. I feel like I was placed in his life for a reason, and he has also opened my eyes to other ways of thinking and living... and I feel that he was placed in my life for a reason too. sigh, and when I think about all this, I realize that I am still here, that I still love him, and just like the song says, I wouldn't change a thing.

Me: It's like he doesn't hear a word I say. His mind is somewhere far away and I don't know how to get there. I do feel like Ryan sometimes does not pay attention to me when I talk to him, so I always ask him afterwards to repeat what I said. I know, very sad.
It's like all he wants is to chill out. I feel like he doesn't take things seriously.
(What Ryan would say about me: She's way too serious.)

Me: He makes me wanna pull all my hair out. He really does, and well, I really do pull my hair out. I have this weird disorder called Trichotillomania. But more about that later.
(What Ryan would say: She's always in a rush, and interrupting like she doesn't even care)

Me: And it's like he doesn't even care. But at the end of the day I know he cares. :)

Ryan: She's always trying to save the day. I really am. I am a workaholic. I am always trying to find something to do in my free time.

Ryan: Just wanna let my music play. She's all or nothing, but my feelings never change. I really am all or nothing, I am a Scorpio after all. :D
Ryan: I try to read her mind.
(What I say to Ryan: Why do you try to read my mind? It's not good to psychoanalyze.)
Ryan: She tries to pick a fight to get attention, that's what all of my friends say.

Me to Ryan: You, me. We're face to face, but we don't see eye to eye. And I am guessing he thinks the same thing.

Ryan: When I'm yes, she's no.

Me: When I hold on, he just lets go.
I think this abut Ryan and me: We're perfectly imperfect, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Me to Ryan and vice versa: We are like fire (Jen) and rain (Ryan). You can drive me insane. But I can't stay mad at you for anything. We're Venus and Mars. We're like different stars. But you're the harmony to every song I sing, and I wouldn't change a thing

I hope this makes sense guys. I just think this song is perfect for Ry and me, because sometimes he makes me so angry and frustrated, but I cannot stay mad at him. He is too cute. I love him with all my heart. Hopefully, we will be celebrating our third anniversary. Wow, 3 years... amazing. Do I still want him to be the father of my children. Absolutely. No doubt. I simply love him.

'Blame It On Me' - Parachute

You can blame it on me, Wolf... for all I care...

That's what you get...

I was on my way to run errands yesterday, riding the bus, listening to my IPod as usual, when Paramore's 'That's What You Get' song started playing... I have always identified myself with this song, but I feel even more strongly about this song now, even more than I used to. So here are the lyrics of the song and how I feel related to the song.

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore. It's your turn to take a seat. We're settling the final score. And I relate to this so much, because in the end, it seems as if everything that happened, it happened because of me. It was all my fault, right Wolf? I was the one that hurt him, and lied to him. The sad part was that it was never my intention to hurt him, and I never lied to him, but he made me feel as if I did. And I think I ended up more hurt than he did. In the end the Wolf said that I had to leave him alone (when I had not talked to him for like 3 months), making it seem as if it had always been me, the crazy one, the needy one, the one that called him and pushed him, and he was just a victim. How dare him come along and paint himself as the self-righteous one? He needed me and wanted me as much as I did. Now, whatever little respect I had for him is gone. Now I just feel anger and bitterness when I think about him. It's your turn to take a seat, Wolf, and to stop putting me down. I am settling the final score. 0 - 0. We are both losers.

And why do we like to hurt so much? Because it is not like somebody comes along and puts a gun to your head saying: "Suffer!". We choose to suffer. We like to hurt, because it gives meaning to our lives . Hurting makes you feel alive, but I have learned the hard way that there are other ways to feel alive. Hurting is a rather sad and stupid way to try to feel alive.

I can't decide. You have made it harder just to go on. And why, all the possibilities. Well, I was wrong. I was saying this like 2 months ago. I was thinking about all the 'what if's', the endless possibilities, the various lives I could have led with the Wolf by my side, but I realized I am content with the life I am leading now. Then I realized it was not worth my time to think about the endless possibilities. It was just hurting me. The Wolf was really making it harder for me to go on, to walk, to think straight. And the memories kept haunting me on a daily basis. Everything was wrong. It had to stop. So, I stopped it.

I wonder... how am I supposed to feel when you're not here? Cuz I've burned every bridge I ever built when you were here. I also said this a couple of months ago. I thought I was not going to be able to live each day without having the Wolf here. But, I was able to go on. It was hard, but not impossible. I did burn every bridge I built that led me to him. I deleted him from every possible virtual communication channel I have. Every comment, every picture, every video, everything was deleted. I was even considering to cease communication with the people I know are his friends and that we both know, but I did not. That would have been stupid. I love those people, and I was not going to let the Wolf come between that as well. I had let him come between everything else...

I still try holding on to silly things. I never learn. Oh why, all the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard. I really do. Sometimes, I listen to a song that reminds me of him, and I sometimes sigh and think about the "what ifs'. I never learn. I wish I could erase all the memories, because my heart still responds to them all. And the Wolf knows this. Even if he does not the feel the same way, I know he knows. He mocks me. And then, I remember how much it hurt, and I say 'whatever'. Why should I freaking care? I am an idiot. I never learn.

Hey, make your way to me, to me. And I'll always be just so inviting. If I ever start to think straight, this heart will start a riot in me. Hahahahaha, and I bet you a thousand dollars, that if the Wolf came to me today, I would still open up my arms to him. Embrace him. Hug him like there is no tomorrow. I will always be so inviting. It is my nature. I will love him until the day I die. But, before I do anything crazy, I will start to think about the consequences, and my heart will commence a battle with my mind. My heart will say 'Yes', but my mind will say 'No'. And after everything I have been through, I think I am going to start listening to my mind more. My heart can make as many riots as it wants, it is not going to make me go down that path of darkness and sadness again. Never again. No more nocturnal hunts for me. No more blood shed. No more.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating. Now I can't trust myself with anything but this. So I have learned the hard way what happens when you give into your heart's riots. I have learned and suffered what happens when you let your heart win. You end up thrown on the ground, and the worst part is that you feel as is if you keep on falling down, down a never ending hole. I drowned myself with my heartbeats, and I cannot trust myself when it comes to thinking about the Wolf. That is why I am shutting him down. I am cutting him out. It hurts like hell and I am losing a lot of blood, but he has to come out. That piece of my heart that he occupied will be empty for a while, until I find something that can fill it up. But no more, because at this point he only makes me sad. His memory makes me die little by little because we cannot be together, and I don't wanna die. Not just yet.

And that's what you get when you let your heart win...

But Wolf, as the moon wanes, so wanes your love;

I am an eagle, no longer your dove.

Another face, more fair than mine,

Will surely win your love in time.

Paramore - 'That's What You Get'

Here goes for the 4 months...

But since I did remember that is has been four months that I have gone on without talking to him, here I am hoping that someday I will be able to forget to count, here goes this song for the Wolf. He knew how much I liked it... ^^

Kalafina - Sprinter

By meeting you
I saw a dream that won’t come true
that’s eternity passed by only a second

I’m calling you
wanting to protect you
I embraced you with the fingers
I extended still shaking

The things we can do is to only,
to continue crying out
that we’re alive being unable to do anything
until I lose strength, just that so
will it reach you? will I reach?
start running immediately by destroying
the temptations of despair
to beyond the spiral (world)

I’m calling with my song
that’s distant and struggling
if I can turn your cheeks toward the sky
I’m not alone…

Even in this mechanic heart,
the naked reality (truth)
was stuffed enough to overflow

Waving to the yesterday
that disappears at the speed of light
to wherever on the bright desert
we kick up time and run, now
(Sprinter!)

By facing the wind and waving a torn flag
on this path without you,
for the sake of myself
I move on…
beyond the spiral (world)…

I want to see you
I miss you
I want to see you
I hold you dear

(I want to see you, I miss you)
I’m calling the sign that I was here
(I want to see you, I hold you dear)
is surely still in your gaze

I’m calling by going against the closing spiral
us, who are crying and yelling are
living, existing
existing, right here…
I’m calling your name

Where I stand today...

So... right now I am at home because I had my wisdom teeth pulled out. I am in great pain, but that is what I get for having eight wisdom teeth. Had to take them out in two visits. sigh... anyways, many things have happened in the last couple of months (awwww I can hear the little birds chirping outside my window, definitely spring time ^^).

The first reason I wanted to write in my blog was because until recently I had been counting the months of me not talking to him. This month I completely forgot to write about him when the four month mark (March 12) came along. I remembered about it two days later and I saw this as a good thing. I told Watashi-kun this was a good sign. It means I am thinking less and less about him. Now, I don't know what to feel when I think about him. I just feel this void, and I hope someday whatever feelings I have left for him will fade away completely. Our love and feelings were doomed from the very beginning. Watashi-kun told me the Wolf does not feel the same about me anymore, so if he doesn't, why should I?

Watashi-kun has helped me so much in this process. He made me see things in a different light. Many others have helped me as well (Zei-chan, Gabo, Meches), but Watashi has taken the time and has had the patience to listen to every single detail that I do not tell the others. He has been through so much and his support has helped me stand up a little straighter. I will be eternally grateful for this. He found me in a terrible state, and I feel like I am moving slowly away from that state. I woke up like at 2 am this morning due to pain and due to the fact that I was having a dream about the Wolf, although I wake up so distressed and disturbed I know find myself calling the dreams about him nightmares. And this is how I know my feelings have changed...

Do you know what it feels like to want to go to sleep and never wake up? I have felt that way several times in the last couple of months. It is because I feel so tired. Between my lame and horrible job, going to school full time, the lack of money, I feel like I am going to go crazy, and then I feel it is just better to go to sleep because I am using my energy reserve. But my boyfriend Ryan has convinced me that going to sleep is not the best thing to do (and I don't wanna look super lame like Sleeping Beauty), and he said many people would miss me if I decided to sleep and never wake up, so... here I am. Ryan has put up with so much of my stupid nonsense lately, I do not know where he gets his patience and how he has not left me. He is so awesome. I love him even more for being the way he is.

I am almost done with school and it would be very stupid to not finish it. I have three months left. My sisters and I are going to the Korean Music Festival next month and we are quite excited (K-Pop FTW!). Then I am looking forward to my summer activities. I finish school in June! I get to see Florence + the Machine this summer, and then I have Anime Expo! My graduation ceremony is in September! Some more reasons to not feel asleep. I am also looking forward to studying Japanese in the fall. ^^

hehehehe I find it so funny how I am listening to J-Pop while I write this. I usually am listening to depressing songs when I write in my blog, but I am getting kinda tired of being depressed all the time. Being depressed can suck a lot of energy out of you. sigh. I just wanna be the funny and silly girl I used to be, when people had no control over my feelings, but this is something I have to work on, and start setting my boundaries. My therapist says I am making progress... no more letting the past haunt me. Some things will never be the same. The past cannot be recreated for me, even if that is one of the things I want the most. It can never be the same, because I am not the same person. I know I have changed. I can feel it (I even have 8 teeth less!).

I have learned that I need to do something productive with my life. I have all this energy (and tiger blood!). I have friends and family who love me. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see that they can put their trust in me and that I will not let them down. I know I will disappoint everybody if I try to go to sleep and not wake up. Every new day I feel hope and I pray to God to help me get through it. It is hard because some days I feel like it is just too much for me to bear, but then I sit down and think there are so many things I want to see, so many books I want to read, so many movies I want to watch, so many songs I want to sing and dance to, so many things I want to write and share... I want to live, not sleep... I want to share my energy with the world and spread my wings to fly as high as I can. I see all the people in Japan fighting for their lives and even though they have been through so much, they still have the will power to go on. Admirable. If they can go on in the middle of such chaos, what is making me stop in my tracks? I have learned a couple of things the last few days thanks to the Japanese nation. They are all in my prayers and I have a whole new level of respect for them.

Now, here is one of my favorite songs, written by Yuki Kajiura, and sung by the girls of Fiction Junction. The lyrics are so empowering and I hope everybody gets the chills I get when I listen to it. ^^

Open your heart
To eternal dimension

Open your heart
For love and affection

Open your heart
Your every emotion

Open your heart
For tears and rejection

Come to the grace
Of heaven's eternal fantasy
Come to the grace
Of earthly devoted harmony

Yuki Kajiura