Life...

Life… Take chances… alot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up - and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are… you learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. say how you feel - always . Be you, and be okay with it. It doesn't matter what any other person thinks. In a world of comparison and conformity, make your own statement. Honor your own truth. Have the courage to be yourself; risk speaking your own thoughts and claiming your emotions. Share your vulnerabilities, tears, doubts, and insecurities; let others experience the real you. Have the courage to be yourself and realize that you are a wonderful person.

Bye-bye lover

It has been two months now... and I all I have are these memories and things that remind me of him... I dedicate this song to him, wherever he is...

With my back to the brilliant city
I turned my cellphone off
I looked up to the sky and something touched my cheek
It was a lone petal

I went out to be merry until midnight
But I still can't forget your face
Just a while ago, we were together
Now you've become this far from me.

Bye bye lover
Thank you for giving me the feeling of being loved
Bye bye, but I still long for you
As expected, I miss you

I realized the reason why we got tired of each other
I put my hand in my pocket
It's not because we're merely children
Starting tomorrow, there are things I have to do

The world is this spacious
And after sometime we will forget
With simply just your absence,
I have become this weak

Bye bye lover
I'll never forget this feeling of being loved
Bye bye lover but these tears
Ah, as expected, I love you

Bye bye lover, I fell in love.
Thank you for your loving...

My favorite description of love is from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." - St. Augustine

Revelation!

So, I came home as fast as I could. I came running home from the gym, and... OK, that's a lie, erase that, I did not come home running... I came home semi-walking and semi-limping because I worked my butt off at the gym today and I am exhausted. Anyways, I had a revelation today at the most random place ever: the gym. After a hiatus of TWO months of not going to the gym... I know... shame on me... well, I cannot really say shame on me, because I was sunk deep in one of the worst facets of depression I have ever had in my life, so I cannot say it is shame... so... um, sorry, I digress...

Anyhow, after two months of not working out, and feeling disgustingly fat (I gained FIVE pounds in these two months of sedentary and depressive state = gross), and being so stressed I literally pull my hair out of my scalp, I decided enough was enough. I came home as early as I could, put on Ke$ha's new song "We R Who We R", and pumped myself with some energy to go to the gym (and motivating myself for the walking to the gym, even though it is cold as hell outside... oh wait, hell isn't cold... I mean cold as the North Pole?).

So, once I was at the gym and working that treadmill as if my life depended on it, I discovered and came to realize three things: (1) I need a new pair of workout shoes (I know, random); (2) I love my boyfriend (Ryan Moreno) very much (he has been there for me all this freaking time when I was in such a pathetic state I cannot even feel sorry for myself); and (3) Enough is enough. And literally, you guys, each freaking step I took on that treadmill, I began to feel lighter and lighter. Amazing! Heck, on my walk back home I felt three pounds lighter (I know... only three... lame), but it felt so darn good!

And while I was working my booty off on that treadmill until I got red as a tomato, no, wait, a tomato was pink in comparison with how red my face was (I get really red and sweaty when I work out... ^^), I realized I need to get my S%#@* together (pardon my French). You see, after you are depressed for a such a long time, your life gets kind of boring and terribly sad, and my friends can testify for me, I am not a boring or sad gal per se, so I realized I had to find myself again. And I think I did! It was like my old self came and slapped me in the face real hard. It was awesome!

Sigh, anyways, I remembered that I am a dream fighter, and that I have NEVER let anything bring me down. I am healing little by little, slowly but surely. I feel way better now. And, well, I want to thank some people who were there for me these last months when I felt like I was in some sort of limbo... First, I want to thank God for never leaving me, and while He shows me lessons the hard way, He is faithful and does help you in the end., He just wanted me to REALLY see what was going on. Second I want to thank my mama and my sisters who are there for me always. I also want to thank my awesome and amazing boyfriend! Ry, baby, I do not know what I would do without you. You are my hero!

And then, I want to thank some very special, old and new friends, for their moral support: Joshua Davis, my onii-san, the big brother I always wished for. Your presence in my life means so much to me! You are very dear to me, my friend. I thank you for all your moral support. I will always be here for you too! Mercedes Asencio, you rock woman! Thx for hearing me out and for being such an awesome friend! El Señor de las Flores te bendiga y te guarde! Zei-chan, I love you so darn much! Sos una gran persona y te tengo un cariño inmenso, mujer! Y amo a tu nena! Gabo, sos lo maximo! Gracias por tu apoyo incondicional! Keitaro - creeme, tu apoyo es invaluable. You always make me smile! Zerg - un nuevo amiguito que Dios me mando. Gracias por escuchar mis penas sin conocerme mucho y gracias por tus consejos (que son muy buenos por cierto)! And there are many other people who have been there for me from time to time. Thanks to all of you. I love you very much!

And now, to remind us all who we are, I leave you with "Dream Fighter" from one of my fav bands: Perfume!

Everyone says that general solutions are the best
And you can say that it's somehow practical
But you can't gain perfection that way
So general solutions won't satisfy me

Until now I thought that it's okay with me
But right now it's a far, distance past

Searching for the best is an endless journey
But this is the proof of our existence
Even if you'll have to deal with hardships
Don't you ever give up

Hey, everyone mentions the future
and you can say that it's somehow practical
not darkness, but light will come shining in
However, being normal won't satisfy me

Searching for the best is an endless journey
But this is the proof of our existence
We also continue running and
all our overflowing teardrops are treasures too
Even if the cruel reality will hit us and we feel depressed
We'll still be able to keep on moving, You are a Dream Fighter

~ Yatsutaka Nakata

I am gonna try to stand still and look pretty...

Sometimes I want to paint my face and pretend that I am someone else. Sometimes I get so fed up. I don't even want to look at myself. Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night and then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life. But people have problems that are worse than mine. I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time. I'm just not strong enough to deal with it. I am slowly falling apart. You might think it's easy being me. It might be, but it surely does not feel like it. People tell me to chill and they also say: "You just stand still and look pretty..." Sounds simple, but it is an awful hard thing to do for me right now...

Electro World!

I love this song, and the lyrics are so surreal. I wonder if we will end up in an Electro World someday. This song is sung by one of my favorite J-Pop groups called Perfume! I love them! Stay tuned for more awesome songs and videos! Let me know what you think!!!

I kept running along this road, going forward, advancing forward, even more forward
I can't find the town that should be drawn on the map
looking back, the scenery I was able to see there had vanished
in this world, I am last at the last of the last

Electro World
the ground shook and broke down
the sun in the sky falls to my hand lightly
I have realized the truth
about the structure of this world
I'll leave you a letter

Electro World
in the town where even a cat on a street flies
even your presence has no reality

Electro World
everything I can see, everything I can touch, too
has no reality
but surely I exist

Who flipped the switch on for this world?

Soon it will be no more

Electro world

Goodbye to the past, hello to the future...

It's all coming to an end, finally. I had been overwhelmed by all these feelings for such a long time that I had to bend them back into the state that they were. And no one could understand so I had to figure it out on my own. But one thing's for sure: this is the most I've ever had to take. I have finally obtained the closure that I needed. I have no regrets what so ever. Nothing more and nothing less - however... I need this closure to be real. I swallow every emotion that I feel. I just have to forgive, have to forget. It's all coming to an end and I finally get my life back. I never thought that I would get my second chance. I’m running so far from all I’ve ever known, convinced that it has lost all meaning. Still I knew that there is something more... Why should I measure the world by someone else’s design? I just found the real me... Sometimes people tell me: "Be like me to fit in". I know MY identity is not in them... I won’t let anybody tell me who I am. It’s OK to let go, I am that shooting star. I’m gonna remember all the things I have wished for and believe it will be true. I will never find myself anywhere else, because I will find myself inside of me...